You like Art Basel? Well, fuck you.
Yeah, I don’t care. I want all the smoke and beef. Hold the pickles.
But like a herpes outbreak, Art Basel is back, just as itchy and irritating as ever.
And just like herpes, I’m not a fan of it at all. This might be a hot take, but herpes are just not cool.
Could I rant about the consumeristic masturbatory nature of this event? Or about how it is an elite-only party where you are definitely not invited, except to come and work the event?
Well yeah, that is exactly what I am going to do. I pulled the old bait and switcharoo on you. When people think I am going left, I grab the handbrake and pull a hard right. Paul Walker style.
RIP.
My rant starts like this. What the fuck is the point of Art Basel, really? Just ask yourself that one question.
And do not give yourself the naive response that it is about art appreciation. Because it is not.
Do not be an idiot.
Because the truth is simple: Art Basel is not about art. It is about money.
So what is the answer? Give it to me.
“What is a cash grab?”
Yes, that is exactly it. And that is a daily double, so you get double star stickers.
Art Basel is a fucking cash grab. So if you frame every event, pop-up gallery, and collaboration with that in mind, then this stupid shit loses its luster.
We are at the point of society called Late Stage Capitalism.
It’s a term used to describe the current phase of capitalism, characterized by intensifying socio-economic and cultural crises, globalization, and commodification of everything.
When art becomes a product, the only thing that matters is profit. And when profit is the only thing that matters, then what are you left with? Bullshit, soulless pieces of literal shit that mean absolutely nothing to nobody.
Exhibit A: this piece of shit from a couple years ago that debuted at Art Basel, which was sold for 6.2 million dollars.
If this wasn’t some money laundering scheme, then I do not know what the real fucking world is anymore.
When art becomes commodified like this, you get actual real-life criminals trying to wash their blood money. I do not have proof of this, I do not work at the Miami Herald. But you cannot be blind to the amount of money that is spent during this week.
But I did some research, googled a little bit here, a little there, googled myself a bit while I was it and found out that in 2024, Art Basel generated around 547 million dollars. That is a lot of McChickens.
I usually do my math based on chicken byproducts made by our delicious overlord, McDonald’s. I am lovin’ it. Are you?
I feel like my rant is not even landing right now. So what if uber-rich douche nozzles come and dump their money here. So what if BMW is sponsoring taxis around Art Basel and pretending that paying a chauffeur pennies is luxury. So what if women have their faces pulled back so far they need a whole new hairline just to keep up with the new face, white-knuckling their Birkin bags. And who cares about the choking traffic that traps normal people just trying to get home from their 9 to 5. It is fine. Two hours in traffic is fine. Fake asses, calf implants, Botox faces, rich MAGA rolling down from West Palm Beach. People keeping up with the Joneses. Posers. Fakers. Who even fucking cares anymore.
Maybe I can appeal to your better nature by telling you about this one experience I had, at Art Basel.
I was but a boy, a baby boy. Soft-natured. Slimmer. Rosy-cheeked.
With plenty of Art Basels under my belt, I was starting to be over it. It was not a cool scene anymore, and I was sick of going and being part of it. I had what I like to call a mood. I was being a moody, catty bitch, and I did not want to go this specific night during Art Basel.
I am an Aries, my moon is in Scorpio. Fuck you with a tube of acrylic paint, deal with it.
As I jumped around from gallery to gallery in Wynwood, I came across an exhibit titled something about not having privacy in the modern age. I cannot remember exactly. This was the year of the Fappening.
Google it.
“The Fappening” was a mass leak of private celebrity photos that began on August 31, 2014. The incident, also known as “Celebgate,” involved hackers illegally obtaining nearly 500 private pictures, mostly of women, from their iCloud and Gmail accounts and posting them online on sites like 4chan and Reddit
Yeah, it was that long ago, and that is how long my hatred for this shit has been boiling.
Cruising along this gallery, I started seeing nude celeb after nude celeb. And I thought to myself, what in the actual fuck is this.
The whole gallery was just blown-up images of these celebrity women taken in their private moments, never meant to be shared publicly. Nipples, unshaved cooches and all.
And if that was not shitty enough, each piece was 5k.
And it hit me, like a big hairy bush to the face. Startled.
This is exactly what Art Basel is. This is the essence of it all.
An event run by disgusting, money-hungry parasites who care more about anything else, the bottom line.
Does it make sense now? Why all of this is gross?
So keep the art, keep the banana on the wall, eat it for all I care. Consume, consume, consume.